My Soul Speaks

I can hear the violins

2011-04-09T19:35:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm... how many times will I recall this cobwebbed covered blog... and say to myself... and to you... IT'S TIME TO WRITE! IT'S TIME TO KEEP UP!!???
Well... I'm back to say it... yet once more. But at least this time around I am actually working on a new poetic piece. Thinking it's about halfway done. Hope to have it posted in the next few days.

My ohhhh my...

2009-05-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

So it's been quite a while since I've blogged. My usual tendency. These last few months have been uhh... quite an experience to say the least. But, I'm not quite ready to divulge. Just wanting to share that much has happened and much will be written... soon =)

NO WALLS Outreach

2009-02-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

"Jesus Christ came to end the organized part of religion that was destroying HIS very being. When Christ died so did the walls of the Church, God no longer resided in buildings but in the temple of the Holy Spirit which was us, HIS people! Christ came to end all religion and restore relationship with GOD Almighty,that we all can obtain by just believing that HE is the son of GOD and thru HIM and HIM alone do we have access to eternal life. GOD has given "NO WALLS" a vision, to look outside the BUILDING!" ~http://www.nowallsoutreach.com

Who we be??

We are a group of Christ followers united in His name for His purpose.

Our first outreach event was held today at Fairmount Park in Downtown Riverside at 10 in the AM. Our mission: To meet, feed, and love on the homeless, the lonely, and the hungry. We split up into small groups in search of people to invite over to our gathering area.

I was in a group with two men; they did most of the talking. Mainly because I'm not so good at striking a conversation with complete strangers. I wanted to "observe" how they went about doing it. Aside from collecting some pointers, I was soaking so much in. I was marveling at the dichotomy of the park. A park that on one hand is filled with natures beauty, but on the other holds so much pain and brokenness. A park that I'm barely familiar with, even though I've lived in Riverside for over 15 years. You see, anytime I'd hear mention of Fairmount Park it was in the form of dire warnings never to go. Because after all, that's where all the homeless, drug addicts, prostitutes, and hoodlums kick it. Does that hold true to this day? More or less, I'm just not sure as to the extent. So, why decide to go now?

I go as a servant to my Lord. A woman desperate to walk in the manner in which I've been called. With pleadings for eyes to see as He sees, a heart to love as He loves, and a compassion that has no end. I am a soul that was once lost, but by the grace of God have been saved. I'd like to share that hope with others. Not by slamming a bible in their face or dragging them to church, but by loving them as Jesus loves me and as He loves all.

As we headed back to our spot, my heart stopped and tears sprung to my eyes. Before me I saw our vision unfold. Gathered together in love and kindness were my brothers and sisters, the homeless and the needy.

I met some people today who's faces and stories will remain with me. My heart broke as the reality of their world sunk in.... A mother whose husband was deported and is now living out of a van with her six children. A 15 year old mother of a baby girl. A woman expecting a child. And many more women and men with no homes or families to turn to.

This was the first of many more events such as today's. I can't wait to continue to experience the plans that our Father has for NO WALLS Outreach.

Time to take flight... yet again

2009-02-26T23:03:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I received news that I would need to find new living arrangements.

Sighhhh...

I'm just far too familiar with such circumstances...

It all began once upon a time in my mother's home. To this day I do not know exactly what pushed her to do it, but she kicked me (along with my four year old lil girl) out. From that day forth I have been unable to establish roots anywhere. That's 'bout eight years of wondering where in this world I truly belong and why I can't find it. On top of my own personal pain, it is especially painful to have to pull my sweet Abby along with me. I want so much for her to have a place she can call HOME for longer than a year or so. Likewise, I'd like to be able to do the same.

How have I managed this incessant pattern of my life? By the mighty love and grace of God. There's not other way to explain it. We have yet to go without a roof over our heads and a place to lay in the night.

Still, I wonder, I ask, I plead... "What the heck God, where do I belong? Where is my home??" His answer every time, "With me."

Ughhhh... what bittersweet reality.

Yes, I know my place is beside my Lord. And I am grateful beyond measure that He has sacrificed His life for my pitiful one. But, I'm still stuck in this world until He otherwise says so and it would just be nice to stop feeling displaced.

So where has His gentle breeze guided this bird in flight? To the Mission House. The Mission House is the current home of four of my friends and fellow sisters in Christ. It happens to be located on Mission, hence the nifty name. I am looking forward to moving in by the end of March and experiencing God's plan for me, my sweet Abby, and the Mission House ladies.

Will we be there long? Only the the Lord knows! As He constantly reminds me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." ~Jeremiah 29:11

Holiday Blues

2008-12-26T01:28:00.000-08:00

As morning arrived, I was quite confused and struggling tremendously to wake up, but as I continued to hear the dingdong of my phone in the distance I realized it was Christmas morning. Awww… people must be wishing me a Merry Christmas. Little by little I became fully conscious, but rather than finding myself filled with joy for this wonderful occasion, I found myself utterly depressed. Now I’m not talking a little bummed out here, I’m talking about a flood of tears and hurt.

You see, I’m a single mama with a teeny tiny family that I am not close to and that doesn’t believe in celebrating Christmas, or any holiday for that matter. And prior to my last two-ish years of singlehood, I had spent every holiday and important occasion with my Xman and his family for six years. Needless to say, waking up on Christmas morning and realizing that once again, I don’t have MY OWN family to spend the day with made me fall to pieces.

For a moment there, I began to feel somewhat selfish because I was feeling so bad for myself when I was supposed to be celebrating Christ’s birth. But believe you me, it only lasted a moment, and then it was on like Donkey Kong. I let God have it, big time. I didn’t hold a single thought or feeling in. I questioned Him and demanded some answers. Then, throughout most of my ranting and raving, I kept getting an image of a bird just going where the wind took it. With the image, the thought that I was like this bird, just landing wherever the wind blew me kept running through my mind. At the time, it was an image I did not care for. Fortunately for me, God did not offer any response to me at all. So, I just laid there in my bed and continued to let it all out until there was nothing left inside of me. When I was done, I got up and began to get ready for my day.

I had been invited to spend Christmas with a friend and his family. From the moment I arrived to their home I was greeted with huge smiles and big hugs. That family is amazing and they accepted me into their home and made me feel so cared for. Later in the evening, I hung out with another friend of mine. We ended up watching a hilarious movie and having a good conversation. Oh, and I can’t leave out that on Christmas eve, I spent the whole day with yet another friend and her entire family and had a wonderful time. We cooked, cleaned, talked, joked, laughed, and ended the night sitting by the fire place.

So what’s the point to my ramblings?? My point is that the hurt that I felt this morning was the hurt that comes from expecting things to be the way I think they should be, rather than accepting them as God designs them to be.

Ya, so I wasn’t with blood relatives, but I was with “family”. I was with people that God chose to bless me with. People who genuinely care about me, as I too, care for them. And I had an amazing Christmas. As the night came to an end, I remembered that bird again. But this time it wasn’t a bird being pushed wherever the wind felt like taking it, it was a bird allowing God to guide it and help it get to the place to which it belonged. The place that God designed Himself. The best place to be. I like that bird. And I thank God for allowing me to experience His answer to my questions.

Excuse my language, but WTF??!

2008-12-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

So, after NOISE practice this afternoon I decided to stop by one of my favorite chicken joints (that shall remain nameless). I was doubly excited because for one, it’s some oh so good chicken, and second, I had found my “buy 10 get one free” card… so lunch was on them. And ya’ll know I’m B-roke! Anywho, the owner knows me in that I’ve been going there for more than 15 years kinda way. As usual he made small talk, inquiring about my studies in, what was it… criminal justice? Uhh… social work, and it’s going good thanks. Then the guy wants to know if I’m STILL single. And I’m like, ya I am =) So then, he’s all… but it’s the holidays! What are you gonna do? And what about New Years??!! You need to “group” yourself! Uhhhh… excUse me? “Group” myself?? So I tell the guy it’s all good and I’m happy being single. He just looks at me like I’ve all but lost my mind and asks, “So what do you do then??”. I school the man and inform him that I’m plenty busy with lots going on in my life and I don’t need a man. He remains silent, nods, hands me my chicken, and wishes me a good holiday.

As I walk to my car, perplexed, with chicken in hand, I remember a conversation I had not too long ago… A friend *cough cough* of mine was badgering me because I told him I was happy being single. He went on and on and on and on and on and on and on (I think you get my point) as to how ridiculous the notion that I was happy being single was. Then he thought it would be important to warn me that I'm getting close to 30, and I'm running out of time to find me a man!

WTF??!

Now I ask, ma' peeps… Why I gotta have a man?? What is so wrong with me being content as a single lady? Don’t get it twisted now, I’d like to find me a good man, but I don’t need one mang! And I sure as H-E- Double hockey sticks am not out there hunting one down like a cheetah after some wildebeest meat! Ya feel me??

Get'cho MAC on!

2008-12-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

Although December 1st marks World AIDS Day annually, here is something you can do any time of the year to help support AIDS programs. MAC Cosmetics has established a MAC AID Fund in which MAC donates 100% of the selling price of their Viva Glam products year-round! There are many choices of oh so fabulous lipglasses and lipsticks available.

So what can $14 do you ask?? Well, besides making your lips look supa fly, $14…

Would produce 28 copies of free treatment and prevention information
Provides round-trip transportation for three people to attend support programs
Buys pantry items for nutrition program serving women living with HIV/AIDS
Buys formula for 15 babies
Covers the cost of school supplies for five teens affected with HIV/AIDS
Provides materials to support four volunteer tutorsBuys one unit of Therapeutic Recreation for one client
Pays for one food pantry bag, containing enough food for a family of three for one day
Purchases one Hospitality Kit, containing personal hygiene and grooming products given to clients upon entering a housing program

♥MAC AIDS Fund Factsheet
Check out http://www.macaidsfund.org/ for more information

December 1st is World AIDS Day

2008-11-30T14:53:00.000-08:00

World AIDS Day began in 1988 when health ministers from around the world met and agreed on the concept of the day as an opportunity for all of us to come together to demonstrate the importance of AIDS and show solidarity for the cause.
We have only two years to go for “the goal of universal access to comprehensive prevention programmes, treatment, care and support by 2010”.

To achieve this goal, leadership and action is needed now. Governments must deliver on the promises they have made. Communities must encourage leadership of its members. Individuals must feel empowered to access treatment, to know their rights and take action against stigma and discrimination, and to know and use methods of prevention against receiving and transmitting HIV.

A few facts:

During 2007 more than two and a half million adults and children became infected with HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus), the virus that causes AIDS. By the end of the year, an estimated 33 million people worldwide were living with HIV/AIDS. The year also saw two million deaths from AIDS, despite recent improvements in access to antiretroviral treatment.
More than 25 million people have died of AIDS since 1981.
Africa has 11.6 million AIDS orphans.
At the end of 2007, women accounted for 50% of all adults living with HIV worldwide, and for 59% in sub-Saharan Africa.
Young people (under 25 years old) account for half of all new HIV infections worldwide.
In developing and transitional countries, 9.7 million people are in immediate need of life-saving AIDS drugs; of these, only 2.99 million (31%) are receiving the drugs.

Visit http://www.worldaidscampaign.org/en to find out how you can help STOP AIDS and KEEP THE PROMISE

My Drug

2008-11-23T19:50:00.000-08:00

Some people drown in alcohol, others tweak their bodies to dust, some shop their way into debt... I to eat myself sick. Food is my drug. Forget the fact that in general I love food, especially sweets! I've always been a good eater. Ya know, screw the dainty salads... bring on the hearty meals. But more and more these days I find myself stuffing my face when I'm feeling down. I HATE it. I know it's wrong and I am seriously beginning to feel sick. So... what can I do about it? I honestly don't know. I make plans, get super determined, pray, get angry, cry, and still... nothing... no change, no progress. Hmmmph...

Beauty from Pain

2008-11-16T23:06:00.000-08:00

Born into the pit of destruction
Clothed in filth, fed with perversion
Stripped from a carefree existence
Besieged and abused with evil persistence
Only to be left alone in great despair
Not one of them around, not one of them with a single once of care
Forced to wander through the deep dark halls
Desperate for someone to hear my grieving calls
A child still with no direction
Hating each moment I gazed into my own reflection
Eyes so big, black empty, broken and dead
Slipping deeper into the darkness as the enemy gracefully led
He pulled me close and held me tight
Flowing from his lips deceitful whisperings showing me how to set things right
Drink from the rivers of luscious wine
Follow me closely, do not go astray, you are not quite yet mine
Give yourself away, mind body and soul
Listen carefully, we have not yet reached the goal
Deny His name for He has not shown Himself to you
Instead declare my name and promise to me you will always be true
I did as he wanted
Drowning in self-destruction, exactly as he had plotted
Until the day in which I could no longer bear it
Falling in a heap, my flames of agony brightly lit
A shattered innocence, my stolen life
I cried out for help as I sought to overcome my strife
Through my loud piercing sobs of torment
The clouds of heaven divided as to me God’s ear was bent
He listened intently before speaking
Many days I have been waiting and weeping
Your pain has been my own
But from this day you’ve called on me, rest assured you are not alone
Be still and know I am your one true Father
All my love I will pour upon you, daughter
Completely undeserving, but ever so grateful for that moment
When pure and glorious love replaced my torment
I am now ready to be all that this woman could be
With God by my side it is Him who strengthens me
I will discover my heart as he intricately sews it back whole
He will wash away the shame and sorrow that over me have taken such a great toll
My soul is being nourished by His truth
His grace and mercy returning to me my long lost youth
The journey has begun
And as each day surely brings the rising of the sun
Every day brings me closer to the woman I was created to be
As my Father in heaven fulfills His purpose for me
It is His glorious light that has broken through the black clouds and rain
Graciously bringing to me Beauty from my Pain

Fear Driven... without Reason

2008-11-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

There is a constant battle with my insecurities
I find myself afraid of my imperfections
They take hold and threaten to choke the light out of my eyes
Who I was and who I am warring against one another
Each determined to reign over my soul
The fear is all consuming
Spreading like venom through my veins
Clouding every corner of my mind with darkness
As I attempt to see through its thickness
I unsteadily travel in search for acceptance
Stumbling with every step not knowing which road to take
Terrified of what I will find on the other end
Exhausted from the lashes of judgment and criticism
Shackled by pain and torment
This incessant battle threatens to overtake my existence
Hungrily awaiting my utter demise

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

His eternal living word is truth, and His truth is that which will set me free
For in His eyes I am purely perfection made in His wondrous image
It is the Enemy who wishes to keep me bound in darkness
But it is my God, my Father, my Redeemer who turns such darkness into light
Clever as he proclaims to be, the Enemy cannot withstand my God
Nor will he ever devour my soul
Try as he may to twist and turn my senses
My path will remain ever clear as my eyes lock, fixed and directed by my Savior
I will not give in, I will not lose hope
I am a warrior of Christ
A soldier for the Holy One
I will put on His full armor and I will wage war against the Evil One
It is with my Father’s guidance that I will be victorious
He alone equips me, builds me up, and makes me strong
He is the Almighty, the all Powerful
His Holy Spirit remains upon me
As I am His and He is mine
No one, no thing, no forces of evil can or will separate He and I

Good Grief!!

2008-11-16T22:16:00.000-08:00

So it's been forever since I've blogged and I'd really like to get back into it... but I can't make any promises... even though I know I should...
My sudden inspiration?? Reading poetry for Sandals' Art/Fusion and a lil conviction from up above.
First off, I've been blessed with the opportunity to participate in Art/Fusion twice now. It has been such an amazing experience. When I get up to the mic I am terrified; my heart is pumping my whole body is shaking, but as soon as the words start flowing out of my mouth I feel like another person. I feel strong and confident as my actual soul begins to speak.
Well all that being said, both times I was asked to participate my initial response was... uhhh ya right... no gracias =) Fortunatly, both times God had other plans than letting me decline. The first time he provided me with many many many truths regarding FEAR (cuz that's ONE of my countless issues). And what were these exactly? Here's my favorite and the one i try to hold close to my heart: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9) Ya, try backing out after He says that to you!! The second time, which was just this weekend, He reminded me that there will be ultimately two crucial questions that He will expect me to answer for Him. They are: "What did you do with my son, Jesus Christ?" and "What did you do with what I gave you?" Why did these questions convict me so you ask?? Well, it was more the second one. It's because one of the many things God has given me is an ability to write, and as long as I'm not writing I'm putting to waste His gift to me. Ughhhhh... right in the heart!!
So, now here I find myself... writing away...
P.S. I will also be posting some of the few poems I've written since the last time I posted one

Eyes on Him

2007-07-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

I fix my eyes one the lord
Steadfast and strong
He fills my heart with his love
His truth runs through my veins
Bringing life into the core of my soul
With every passing moment I look to him alone
For His plans are all I need in this sad and broken world
I am gently reminded that this is not my home
I am but a visitor awaiting his promised return
As he will lead me where I was always meant to be
Forever by his side in the heavens up above

: (

2007-06-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am afraid to be sad. I fear what peolpe may think. I fear how God looks upon me. But the truth is, I do get sad. Don't we all? There are times that my sadness is so deep and agonizing that it is even hard for me to breathe. I turn to God and He reassures me of His love, but my sadness remains. I am sad today.

I gave myself to him… then I gave myself to Him

2007-06-05T23:08:00.000-07:00

I gave my heart, mind, body, and soul away
I lost myself in the midst of the commotion
I believed that with him I would forever stay
My hopes and dreams were wrapped in his existence
My decisions were no longer my own
My heart ached with deadly persistence
I was achingly lonely, but not alone
I was hurting and full of rage
I felt I could not function on my own
The moment came
I made the move
With great fear and full of shame
I called out His name
He heard my cry and beckoned me
He made it possible for me to finally see
To Him I belong
And He would forgive all I’ve done wrong
He filled my heart
And promised once joined, we would never part
As I forge through the valley He has placed me in
I rest assured my hand He holds
As I surrender all my being which He delicately molds
Moment by moment, day by day
He cleanses my soul
The process has begun
He alone will make me whole
For all my days I will rest assured
His promises He keeps

I Thank You, Lord

2007-05-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

I am not exactly sure when it happened, but I know I had reached a point in my life in which I knew I could no longer go on. I was torn, broken, and beaten. I had a history of turning to all the wrong places and always coming to the same destructive end. This time was different...I begged the Lord to take my pain and rule my life. He did just that. Our God is so amazing. He spoke to me clearly, as I had finally chosen to listen. The Lord has calmed my heart. He has reassured me that he is my Father and all that I need. He drained the poison that was consuming my very soul and released it from the bondages of my anger. A love like His is beyond my understanding and I thank Him for it.

First Timer

2007-05-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Jenelle for settings this up for me! Hopefully I will be able to figure this all out on my own soon!!!!