Holiday Blues

As morning arrived, I was quite confused and struggling tremendously to wake up, but as I continued to hear the dingdong of my phone in the distance I realized it was Christmas morning. Awww… people must be wishing me a Merry Christmas. Little by little I became fully conscious, but rather than finding myself filled with joy for this wonderful occasion, I found myself utterly depressed. Now I’m not talking a little bummed out here, I’m talking about a flood of tears and hurt.

You see, I’m a single mama with a teeny tiny family that I am not close to and that doesn’t believe in celebrating Christmas, or any holiday for that matter. And prior to my last two-ish years of singlehood, I had spent every holiday and important occasion with my Xman and his family for six years. Needless to say, waking up on Christmas morning and realizing that once again, I don’t have MY OWN family to spend the day with made me fall to pieces.

For a moment there, I began to feel somewhat selfish because I was feeling so bad for myself when I was supposed to be celebrating Christ’s birth. But believe you me, it only lasted a moment, and then it was on like Donkey Kong. I let God have it, big time. I didn’t hold a single thought or feeling in. I questioned Him and demanded some answers. Then, throughout most of my ranting and raving, I kept getting an image of a bird just going where the wind took it. With the image, the thought that I was like this bird, just landing wherever the wind blew me kept running through my mind. At the time, it was an image I did not care for. Fortunately for me, God did not offer any response to me at all. So, I just laid there in my bed and continued to let it all out until there was nothing left inside of me. When I was done, I got up and began to get ready for my day.

I had been invited to spend Christmas with a friend and his family. From the moment I arrived to their home I was greeted with huge smiles and big hugs. That family is amazing and they accepted me into their home and made me feel so cared for. Later in the evening, I hung out with another friend of mine. We ended up watching a hilarious movie and having a good conversation. Oh, and I can’t leave out that on Christmas eve, I spent the whole day with yet another friend and her entire family and had a wonderful time. We cooked, cleaned, talked, joked, laughed, and ended the night sitting by the fire place.

So what’s the point to my ramblings?? My point is that the hurt that I felt this morning was the hurt that comes from expecting things to be the way I think they should be, rather than accepting them as God designs them to be.

Ya, so I wasn’t with blood relatives, but I was with “family”. I was with people that God chose to bless me with. People who genuinely care about me, as I too, care for them. And I had an amazing Christmas. As the night came to an end, I remembered that bird again. But this time it wasn’t a bird being pushed wherever the wind felt like taking it, it was a bird allowing God to guide it and help it get to the place to which it belonged. The place that God designed Himself. The best place to be. I like that bird. And I thank God for allowing me to experience His answer to my questions.